You'll have to excuse my pants, they've been refusing to stay up since dropping to my ankles this morning. I was just enjoying my morning cup of coffee and reading the papers when one odd article caught my eye:
"US military interrogators are using unorthodox musical techniques to extract information about weapons of mass destruction of fugitive Ba'athist leaders from their detainees - a fearsome mix of Metallica and Barney the Dinosaur. "
Can you imagine grown men, members of a absolutely ruthless regime crying for mercy halfway through "Wherever I may roam" or "Barney the Dinosaur" ? I sure can't. I might be begging for mercy after 10 minutes of Gareth Gates or a season from "As the world turns", but then again, I have a particular weakness for these things.
Reading on after a few minutes of going through the repertoire of Metallica for possible songs they'd use, I read that if you play metal for 24 hours, your brain and body functions start to slide, your train of thought slows down and your will is broken, according to US-experts. A crude calculation on my history in listening to metal leads to the conclusion that my train of thought must be halted by now, if it isn't in reverse already. The other possibility is that you can become immune to the mindboggling effects of metal if you listen to it long enough. Of course you'll have to build up your tolerance slowly if you are not to damage your mental health permanently. A bit of the Beatles to start with, then some Stones. In a few months you could try Aerosmith and maybe within the year you will be listening to van Halen without even twitching! Building your mental barriers for Barney the Dinosaur might be a little harder, but most parents seem to be able to cope with it eventually. I figure it's only a matter of time now before we'll be seeing the follow-up article in the papers:
"Al-Quaida recruits headbangers and fathers"
I for one, will be paying close attention to the number of moslim-fundamentalists that attend the rock festival that I'll be visiting next month. If I see anything suspicious, I'll notify the intelligence service right away. I advice you all to do the same.
